Why Getting Thin Isn’t My Top Priority Anymore

The moment I finished reading the inside cover of 45 Pounds (More or Less), I made my way to the librarian’s counter to check it out. The book is about a girl who, in some aspects, is exactly like me. She’s 16, weighs almost the same as me, and even wears a dress size close to mine. After finding out that her Aunt Jackie is getting married, she makes the decision to 45 pounds in 2 and a half months…nearly the same amount of weight I want to lose, and almost the same amount of time I wanted it to take. I thought, “If we’re this alike, maybe I can see how she loses the weight, so I can, too.”

I didn’t get the answer I expected.

Ann does whatever it takes to lose the weight, mainly ordering food from a company much like Nutrisystem*. The food tastes horrible, and she’s constantly hungry, but that doesn’t stop her from keeping with it. What does drive her to quit it, however, is her younger sister Libby. After taking notice of Libby’s unhealthy eating habits, a result of both Ann and her mother’s own bad eating habits, Ann decides to focus more on setting a good example for her sister. In the end, she only loses about 27 pounds out of the 45 she originally aimed for. Instead of being disappointed by this, she’s happy with what she has. She isn’t starving. She isn’t eating food that tastes like cardboard. Now, she’s taking the right steps to get healthier. I’m sure I’m not doing this story justice, but I don’t want to bore anyone with a long synopsis, so this is only a condensed version. 

At the time I started reading 45 Pounds, I had a tumultuous relationship with food, and it’s still something I’m fighting with. I’ve never been of average weight. Even before junior high, I noticed that I was larger than most of my friends. Today, it could be better defined as knowing I struggle with weight, while most people I know don’t give what they eat a second thought. It got to the point where I wanted to starve myself. I began to skip breakfast, with the easy-to-use excuse of “I don’t have time.” I would go to school with a lunch packed with as little as possible, thinking that my stomach would eventually shrink enough for it to be filling. When I got home from school, I’d wait as long as possible until I ate again. 

I realized just how unhealthy this was after finishing the book. Food was the enemy, and the weight I might have gained was punishment for eating. Luckily, these habits weren’t severe enough for me to require therapy. Now, I have to keep in mind that as long as I make healthy choices, I don’t need to restrain myself like that. It’s still tempting to wait too long before eating a meal, or to mentally calculate how many calories are in whatever I’m eating, but it’s getting easier. 

What drives out these negative thoughts is knowing that I have family and friends that love me. And not just a shallow, “like” love. The kind that you know is unconditional, and doesn’t look on the outside. One memory that stands out to me is when a friend of mine had come back into town for spring break, and when he hugged me and told me that it was good to see me. It was shocking to me that someone that didn’t see or talk to me in person often was actually happy to see me. That meant the world to me. When I realized that all of my other friends have shown me that they care in the same way, I felt like how I looked became a lot less important. But, I didn’t truly believe it until after reading 45 Pounds. Sometimes, it takes a reminder like that for things to sink in.

You know, I don’t have much to gain from losing weight, except becoming a healthier person. In that case, shouldn’t it only be for me, and not to get approval from someone else?

~Morgan Elizabeth

*I’m not saying Nutrisystem is anything like the weight loss system in 45 Pounds (More or Less). Just giving an example of the type of program it is.

 

 

 

The Obligatory NYE Post

2013 was probably one of my best years yet. I got accepted into Brashier, which totally shocked me. I still remember my mom’s apprehension about me going, even keeping the books she had ordered in case it didn’t work out. While I’m still adjusting to all of the work, and sometimes wonder if it’s all worth the stress, I’m proud to be a Bengal 🙂

I’m also so thankful for all of the people I’ve met there. Classes are so much better with the friends I’ve made in them. One of my favorite memories will be walking down to the college for Psychology this semester with the group I (somewhat secretly) think of as my “posse.” I’m going to miss going back after break and not having them to talk to. Anyways, I’m thankful for all of the people I’ve come into contact with over this entire year. Whether it be at church, school, or elsewhere, I firmly believe that every time I talked with anyone was for a reason.

Most of all, I’m so glad that I got saved this year. I’m still learning to live how God wants me to, but I feel like I’ve made a lot of improvements over the past two months. It helps to still be involved with Bible Quiz, which I enjoy immensely. I’ve gotten to know great people through it, and it’s so helpful to have the Word in my life in that way.

Maybe I should have made this post at Thanksgiving, but I feel like it’s necessary for me to look back on all of the good that happened this year in order to have a positive outlook on the coming year, as well as to remind me that I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m thrilled to see what 2014 has in store. I don’t feel stuck anymore. All of the resolutions and goals I have for the year seem tangible, unlike past years. Of course, God could be laughing at my expectations of what I think the year will be like, but maybe that’s a good thing. He’s probably going to work things out in ways that I didn’t expect, as He always seems to do.

See you all in 2014!

~Morgan Elizabeth

My Salvation Story

Five days ago, on the night before I turned seventeen, I sat on the curb outside of my church. I was debating between going home to work on homework (aka procrastinate), or stay for the service. The Frazor team was visiting, and I had gone to the pre-service for the teens they put on that evening. I had also gone canvassing with the team earlier on the afternoon. My heart was barely half in it all. The weird part? No one forced me to go. I had gone completely of my own will. I’m still not sure why I’d gone. Maybe it was because I felt like I had to, or maybe it was because God knew that I needed to be there, even if I wasn’t giving it my all.

For the past couple of months, I had secretly labeled myself as agnostic, after I had been doubting for a while. In the beginning of being in my own new “religion”, I hated going to church, and I despised any talk of God. I knew I was a complete hypocrite as I sang along to every hymn, but I didn’t know what else to do. If I’d had it my way, I would have walked out long before the first notes of the first hymn was played. 

In the past few weeks, I had become more tolerant of Christianity, though I still didn’t know if I truly believed. About a week or two before the team came, I had started to become more open to the idea of Christianity, but I still wasn’t decided on anything. On Sunday, the first day that the team was here, I tuned out in the morning, as usual. I didn’t feel much in me. I was more concerned about moving on to the second service, then getting home. 

On Sunday evening, I was surprised that I was actually paying attention. Sure, I usually did tune in enough for notes, but I didn’t focus on the content. Normally, I only copied words onto the paper, so that I had something to keep me busy. However, this night, I was really listening to what was being said. The sermon had been titled “Is the Young Man Safe?”. The basic theme was that no one is safe when they are in sin. Immediately, I knew that it applied to my life. Sure, I wasn’t in the faith, nevertheless, I realized that it was something I needed to listen to. And that was the night when the transformation of my heart first began.

The next day, I went canvassing again, and also went to the pre-service. I can’t remember what was taught in the last few minutes, but I do remember raising my hand when we were asked if we would like them to pray for us, if we were unsure of our salvation. I was feeling a tug on my heart, and had been over the past few weeks, but it hadn’t been this strong before. 

This brings us to where I started off. I had been planning to be picked up and taken home after the pre-service, but Nate (one of the members of the Frazor team) had mentioned to us that if we felt like we needed to talk to someone, we could feel free to talk to one of them about it after the service. It was something that I was seriously considering. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone about my doubts, and how conflicted I felt. If anything, at least I could at least get those things off of my chest.

As I sat there on the curb, I made my decision. I called my mom, and told her that I would be staying for the service, and that I’d try to talk to someone after the service. I hurried inside after hanging up, finding a spot beside one of my friends. Truth be told, I have no recollection of what was taught that night, as I was so exhausted from Sunday, and the hectic Monday I’d had, that I found it hard to even keep my eyes open. I was struggling to stay awake, but I knew that I needed to be there, and that I had made the right decision when I came there. 

When we all had our heads bowed and eyes closed, Jeremy Frazor asked if we were uncertain about our salvation, and if we would like prayers. For the second time that night, I raised my hand. After the service ended, I found one of the girls (Hannah) from the team at a table in the lobby, and we went back to the room where the pre-service was held, and we ended up talking for about 45 minutes. I was so grateful that I’d decided to stay, and still am now. We discussed so much, and the entire time, I could feel myself getting closer and closer to believing.

When I told her of that tugging in my heart, she excitedly told me, “God wants to use you, Morgan.” It was at that moment that I truly believed. All this time, God had been watching over me, wanting me to come back to Him. In the past, when I’d thought I was truly saved, it had been a false, shallow kind of faith, if you could call it that. I only wanted “a free ticket out of Hell”, as it had been put. Now, it was different. I wanted to change, and I really did want to give up my life to Him.

In that room with Hannah, I confessed that I was a sinner to the Lord, and I told Him that I wanted to turn away from my sins, and serve Him with my entire life. It felt like my heart was overflowing with joy, and I couldn’t help but smile. I knew that I had a long way to go, but I was serious about changing my life into one that would please God. 

On Thursday night, we had Cola Wars at the youth center, and during the service towards the end, I kept getting teary. I was so happy for the opportunities to hear the Word preached, and I was so glad to finally be right with God. I ended up taking one of my friends to talk with another girl on the team (Sarah) during the invitation. Though I was seeing improvements in my life, and could see my own change in heart, I felt like I needed advice from a sister in Christ. Sarah helped me, and I believe she also helped my friend, to find ways to continue in our walk with God.

I can’t express how thankful I am for the whole team, and all of the work that they did during this week. They are truly selfless people, and were an incredible inspiration to me throughout the week. I’ll admit, I was also a little teary during that last service, because I knew I was going to miss them a lot. I had really liked being around them and talking with them, but I know that they’re going on to do great things. Whoever they come into contact with will be truly blessed, and I hope that all of the team is equally blessed. They deserve it.

That’s the (rather lengthy) story of how I came to become a child of God! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me. I’m going to the Wilds next summer, and I hope that a lot of good comes of that. I look forward to growing in Him, and being the person that He wants me to be. 

~Morgan Elizabeth

A Crazy, Mixed Up Post About Reminiscing

It’s hard to know where to begin this, when I don’t even know where I’m going with it. Against my better judgment, I’m going to continue rambling on, so bear with me. 

A lot has happened in the last two months. By that, I mostly mean school. I started my first year at public school after homeschooling was all I’d ever known. Besides the terrors of Algebra 2, it’s been all I’d hoped it to be. I don’t really hate my classes, I’ve made a bunch of friends, and then there’s the fall/winter formal next month. I can honestly say, for the first time in a while, I’m doing really well. 

And I’m not going downhill in this post, in case that’s what it seemed like. As fall’s started and the air has gotten colder, I’ve found myself reminiscing a lot more. It can be good, sometimes not. Not all of the memories are bad, but they remind me how things have changed, and how I could revisit some of those days. 

It’s kind of funny. Some of my best memories were made during fall. A lot of them have to do with nature itself, as lame as it sounds. I don’t know, there’s just something about the melancholy feel of a blanket of gray clouds, accompanied by a chill in the air and wet leaves. Then, there’s the other memories, like my aunt’s wedding 2 years ago.

What stands out to me most of all is meeting a person I once considered to be one of my best friends. I think it was 5 years ago in November, because I remember writing about it in my journal, silly as it sounds. This person just made a huge impact on me from the first time we spoke. I remember how friendly he was to me, and how he seemed to actually be interested in what I had to say. At the time, I wasn’t the most socially adept, so it was surprising that he didn’t just ignore me, or stop talking to me after that first conversation. 

During the rough patch I went through in 7th grade, he was there, and I’ll never forget that. He was perhaps the only true friend I had at the time, that I could share what I was going through with. And somehow, he tolerated it. He even did his best to help me get through it. 

We did end up having some arguments which, if I’m honest, were mostly my fault, but I won’t go into that. I feel like that’s one of the reasons why we don’t talk much anymore, which makes me sad. I don’t know I’m telling you all this, it must sound so ridiculous. Maybe it’s because I’m too afraid to say anything to him now, for fear that I’m interrupting his life, and part of me hopes that he’d see this and something good would come of it. 

Anyways, I wish I could say who it is that I’m talking about, but I wouldn’t embarrass him like that. What I will say, is that despite all of the times we didn’t see eye-to-eye, I’m still so grateful for the friendship we had, and I still think about that day in November, especially now. I hope that all of the people he’s surrounded by knows how special he is, and makes sure he knows it.

~Morgan Elizabeth

Having My Own Opinions

Something happened in my life recently, which I had a strong reaction to. And I made the mistake of posting about it on Facebook. To be fair, I wasn’t right in putting the blame on people who I’m sure were just trying to look out for me, and the other people it affected. However, I had a problem with what people were telling me.

 

Most responses were, “You should be seeing it this way” or “It all happened for a reason, and we need to accept that.” I appreciate the thought on the last one, and I even agree with it, but the first? Not so much. I am paraphrasing here, but those were the jists of what was said.

 

First of all, I do NOT have to see things the same way as you do. If you’re telling me it’s what Christians need to do, well sorry, but I disagree. I’d like to know who decided what the right reactions, and the thoughts that come with them, are. The pain, the anger I felt, I believe it was okay, and even normal. I know others will disagree, but it’s my opinion. Apparently, because I didn’t praise God, or say “I know he’ll work everything out,” it was wrong. Because I had the intellect to question the motives behind a decision made, and voiced it, it was wrong. There’s something wrong with that picture.

 

I have a lot more of my opinions I could share, but I think it’s best to keep them to myself. I’m still trying to figure things out for myself, and I don’t want anyone criticizing that. Just my thoughts for the day.

 

~Morgan Elizabeth

Time to Activate Beast Mode

So, I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. It was just a follow-up thing, nothing serious. Everything went wonderfully, except…the weighing. 

 

Now, I have never freaked out over my weight, nor did I today. But, after realizing how close I am to a number I never want to get to, I could feel my heart drop. I’ll admit: I eat way too much, and I’m about as lazy as one can get. I guess today was my wake up call, especially after finding out that I can be considered, by medical standards, obese. I didn’t want to get to that, either, but I suppose I have.

 

A few months ago, I was more serious about getting in shape. I’ve fallen out of it, but now, I think I’m ready to make a permanent change. I’m tired of complaining about my body, when I’m doing nothing to help it. To help, I’ve gotten back into posting on my fitblr. A fitblr is a Tumblr account dedicated to fitness and all-around healthiness. I was really involved in it a few months ago, but abandoned it after going back to the laziness. 

 

In case anybody wants updates on my weight loss journey, or just wants some healthy inspiration, my Tumblr is http://committedtoahealthierme.tumblr.com/

 

~Morgan Elizabeth

Etsy Shop!

I’m back! So, I thought I would post the link to the Silver Linings Jewelry and Things Etsy shop here on the blog, which just opened today. I only have a couple of items up at the moment, but I have three more in the works, and they should be listed in the shop by Wednesday, possibly sooner.

Anyways, here’s the link: http://www.etsy.com/shop/SLJewelryandThings

It would mean a lot to me if at least some of the people reading this would check it out, even if you don’t buy anything (though I would be excited beyond words if you did). I’m trying my best to get the word out about this. Since I haven’t been able to find a job, I figure maybe this could help a little bit until I find a place that will hire me. 

Thanks for reading this! Hopefully, I’ll be getting back into writing more, and will have something posted here in the future.

~Morgan Elizabeth

Link to Silver Linings Facebook Page

Sorry guys! I totally forgot to give you the link to the page for SL that I mentioned I was going to make. You can go like it here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Silver-Linings-Jewelry-and-Things/386962034756474?fref=ts

 

~Morgan Elizabeth

 

Hopefully that should work! Let me know if it doesn’t. 

I Bring to You: Silver Lining!

This is the blog post that I mentioned that I was going to post on Facebook. As some of you know, I’m going to try to start selling some of the bracelets and such that I make. I’ve been really into crafts lately, and figured it couldn’t hurt to try selling them.

 

After finding out that we’re going to need money while my dad is out of work for six weeks (he’s getting a hip replacement), I realized that perhaps I could help by starting to do this. His surgery isn’t for another couple of weeks, but I figured that it may help to start now. So, I’m starting up Silver Lining, the “company” which will produce the items shown on this post! I’ll also be making other things besides what is being shown.

 

I’m going to display some pictures of what I’ve made recently. Some of these items are for sale, some are not, and only being used as an example (I’ll state which ones I’m selling underneath the pictures). I’m probably going to start a Facebook page later today, and will put up the photos there as well. There’ll be more details about what will be available to buy, too. Anyways, here are the pictures!

 

 

These are some flip flops that I dressed up! I’m selling these for $8.00. I am willing to drop the price a dollar or two, but would prefer the 8 (they take more supplies and work than it seems!).

 

 

This is an anklet that I braided using ribbon. Selling it for $1.00.

 

Not selling this one, just wanted to show what it looks like. Any of these bracelets will probably go for $4-$5. 

Selling these for $1.00 each! I’ll probably be making color sets as well (blue and green together, for example). 

 

*Note* I will be making more of each of these items. Also, I can customize them further. For bracelets, I’ll use any colors requested, and can put beads of multiple colors on one bracelet. For the flip flops, you’ll need to contact me for shoe size, color of flip flop, desired, etc. You can do so on here, or on the page on Facebook. I’ll make a post including the link to it tonight. 

 

I appreciate everyone who took the time to read this! I really hope you all will consider buying something, but if not, it’s cool. Any suggestions about what else I should sell, or simply suggestions about anything pertaining to this are welcome! If anyone has experience with this kind of stuff, I would love any advice you could give. 

 

~Morgan Elizabeth

 

PS the name may be changed. If you have any suggestions for that, let me know!

 

 

A Rant of Epic Proportions

It feels impossible for me to write as of late. And no, it’s not just because of the two rejection letters I got from a couple of places I submitted to. Mostly, I’m scared to write because I feel like what I write needs to be spectacular. And here’s where I get to the deep-rooted reason for this.

Just kidding. I’m just going to be honest here, because I feel like I need to get it out. I don’t even care if this is read or not. The reason I’m so afraid of my writing not turning out extremely well is that I feel that writing is all I have to prove my worth. People have told me that I’m a great writer, but what if that’s not enough? Or, what if I’ve gotten worse at my writing? If I don’t have my writing, I feel like I have nothing.

For as long as I can remember, it’s seemed like everyone around me has achieved so much, has the best looks, or has everything going for them. I don’t have any of that. If I need to pay for something, I’m going to have to go out and get a job. If I want to pursue anything, I’ll need to earn the money that I most likely will need. Basically, if I want anything, I have to work my butt off for it. A lot of people seem to have things just handed to them.

Lately, it appears as if my writing is the only thing that’s going to get me anywhere. It’s a lot of pressure. I understand that I’m the one putting all of the pressure on myself, but could anyone blame me? I can’t find a job, my parents have to be extremely careful with money, especially now that my dad will be out of work for 6 weeks when he has his hip replacement next month. Even after that, they still have a big medical bill to pay off. I obviously can’t go to them for help with money, nor would I want to. 

It’s just hard to think about the future, because I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to afford college, move up to Ohio, and all of the other things I want to do with my life. So, I feel like if I want to be able to afford any of that, while being unemployed and never chosen for a job, I need to somehow make money off of my writing. In order to do that, my writing has to be VERY good.

Didn’t mean to make this into a long post, I just felt like explaining things, even if they didn’t need to be. I’m going to try to be less critical of my writing, and try to just chill out. 

-end of rant-

~Morgan Elizabeth